COMPARATIVE RELIGION (As seen on a door at U.C. Davis)
Agnosticism: How can we know if shit happens?
What is this shit?
You can't prove any of this shit..
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it,
so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Atheism Sheeit: I don't believe this shit.
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
Baptism: We'll wash the shit right off you.
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
Buddhism: If shit happens it is not really shit
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Bushism: Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you didn't work hard enough.
Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit
Capitalism: Sell that shit.
Charismatic
Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you are BAD.
If shit happens, you deserve it
Christian
Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit it in your mind.
Science Shit is in your mind.
Clintonism: I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Communism: All this is bull shit!! Shit happens to all of us.
Confucianism: Confucius say, ``Shit Happens''
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
Denialism: What shit?
Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
Energizer
Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...
Environmentali: Shit is biodegradable.
Episcopaliani: If shit happens, hold a procession.
Est: You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
Evangelical: Send us all your shit.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Fetishism: I love when shit happens.
Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
Fundamentalism: Shit happens, but don't publish it.
There's no shit in the Bible.
Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama (Ding Ding).
Please this flower and buy our shit.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Hinduism: I`ve seen this Shit before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
We don't take any shit.
Jehovah's
Witnesses: Knock Knock, ``Shit Happens.''
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
JimJonesism: This Kool-Aid tastes like shi...
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Masochism: Do shit to me!
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Mormon: This shit is going to happen again.
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
If shit happens, shun it.
Crap happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Nation of Islam:Don't take no shit.
New Age: Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Nihilism: Shit doesn't mean anything. Let's blow this shit up!
Nixonism: This kind of shit never happened.
If it happened I don't know anything about it.
Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
Perotism: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.
Shit won't happen if I work harder.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Rationalism: I shit, therefore I am.
Reaganism: I can't remember whether this shit happened or not.
Religion from an Atheist's point of view:
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
Sadism: I will shit on you!
Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
Scientology: All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Secular
Humanism: Shit evolves.
Seventh Day
Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
Sikhism: Leave our shit alone
Southern
Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit.
Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Voodooism: This shit's gonna get you
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
Wicca: The Goddess makes shit happen.
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
SHIT HAPPENS - in other various ways
Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
Environmentali: Shit is biodegradable.
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Quantum
Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
Einsteinism: Shit is Relative.
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law:
Relatives are Shit.
Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.
Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
Bush: Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Martin Luther
King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
John Paul Jones:I have not yet begun to shit.
James Tiberius
Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
Computer
Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Macintosh: (Enough said)
UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit!
IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.
Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
Denialism: What shit?
Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
Procrastination:I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Surrealism: Fish!
Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.
Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
Fetishism: I love when shit happens.
Masochism: Do shit to me!
Sadism: I will shit on you!
Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
SHIT HAPPENS - according to the Philospohers
Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrate: What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.
Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
SHIT HAPPENS - in various professions
Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist: To within experimental error, this is shit.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form
XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy
Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO (1980's): I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's): Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit;
some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social
Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
Quality Control
Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS - for Sanitation Engineers
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
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